Friday the 13th (2009)

[runningscared]

Movie: Friday the 13th (2009), directed by Marcus Nispel

Watched on: HBO Max

Ran: 8.18 miles, 8’53”/mile, 01:12:43 (recovery run)

 

Welcome back, one and all, to Lack of Imagination Theater! From the stagnant mind that brought you “Halloween on Halloween,” thrill to the edge-of-your-seat sequel: “Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th”! Oh, what, you saw that coming? Well, brace yourself for the twist: This Time It’s the Remake™!

 

While I’d like to say that was by choice, to be honest, the original Friday the 13th wasn’t on any of my streaming services and I didn’t feel like shelling out a rental fee to watch a movie I’ve already seen eleventy-seven times. Luckily, the 2009 remake was just sitting there on HBO Max lookin’ all lonely and forlorn, so I figured I’d give it a shot. I’d seen it maybe ten years ago closer to when it came out, but to be honest, I didn’t remember all that much about it, which meant I could play a bracing round of everyone’s favorite game show, Forgettable Movie or Terrible Memory? Let’s begin, shall we?

 

2009’s Friday the 13th—hereafter known simply as “The Remake” for the sake of clarity—starts off with a brief flashback to the past: it’s 1980, and the last surviving counselor of Camp Crystal Lake is beheading the mass-murdering Mrs. Voorhees with a machete. So far we’re on familiar ground, though it might strike some as odd to begin a remake with the ending of the original. Whatever; before you even have time to shrug, we’re in the present day and five frisky “young people” are camping near the deserted summer camp. A couple of them are hoping to find a marijuana crop they heard about; a couple of them are screwing in a tent. Meet the machete-fodder. 

 

Just when you think you’ve got your footing, you start noticing that Jason is picking off these campers at an alarming rate: all five characters are either dead or as good as by about twenty minutes in, and you’re thinking “pacing, buddy, PACING!”—and then the title card appears. You realize you’ve just watched a SECOND flashback and what was more or less a really long cold-open. D’oh!

 

But it’s cool, you barely have time to process THAT because we cut to six weeks later and a whole different assembly of young stoners and fornicators heading up to rich-boy Trent’s summer cabin on the lake: jerkface Trent himself; his unaccountably nice girlfriend Jenna; some guy they keep calling Nolan but is 100% Dick Casablancas from Veronica Mars; Dick-I-mean-Nolan’s girlfriend Chelsea; the Soon-to-Be-the-Other Woman, Bree; and stoner buddies Chewie and Lawrence. That’s… seven? I think? So yeah, there’s plenty of prey to pad out the remaining hour-plus.

 

Lest you think The Remake is just about watching bodies pile up, there’s a plot! In addition to the seven hedonists wandering blithely into Jason Country, there’s also this guy Clay, who’s motoring around trying to find anyone who’s seen his sister Whitney, who disappeared while camping in the area, oh, about six weeks ago. (Clay: we have bad news, pal.) Trent was a jerk to Clay at the local gas station, as jerkfaces are wont to be, and Jenna didn’t like that. So when Clay comes a-knockin’ at the cabin door on his Sisterquest and Trent persists in his jerkitude, Jenna takes off with Clay to help him find his sister.

 

Aside from the whole “looking for Whitney” thing, though, The Remake really is just about watching young people make poor life choices and then get killed in inventive, graphic, and entertaining ways. And as always, those ill-fated acts are drinking, drugs, sex, and, um… [checks notes] topless wakeboarding to a kick-ass rock soundtrack. (“Produced by: Michael Bay.” ‘Nuff said.) If you’re watching this movie, the odds are decent that you’re only looking for nudity and gore, and The Remake delivers on both counts. Just don’t expect to remember much of it tomorrow.

 

Yup, I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt for once and betting on Forgettable Movie. The search for Whitney and its related plot twist seem like they should be enough to distinguish The Remake from the crowd, if not necessarily from its original, but if I’m honest, nothing about this movie hits quite hard enough to stick. That’s not to say it’s bad—I definitely enjoyed it, but once again, mere hours after seeing it, everything about it began to fade from my memory. I even queued it up yet again to make sure, and beyond those fleeting questions like “is Jason growing pot to lure in victims?” and “since Jenna is in the woods, why isn’t she fighting Jason using her plant-control superpowers?” (Danielle Panabaker was Layla in Sky High, it’s a whole thing, don’t mind me), there just isn’t much there there.

 

So, if you’re a fan of the Friday the 13th franchise and films of that ilk, by all means, see The Remake—it’s a good time. Just don’t expect to remember much about it later, let alone write any dissertations on it. Thus concludes this installment of Lack of Imagination Theater; who knows? If I’m still doing this nonsense next year, maybe I’ll do the Halloween remake and the original Friday the 13th.